Looking at my past and contemplating my future, I have come to this conclusion: FEAR has been and will continue to be my ultimate motivator. Fear is a strange thing. We are not born with fear – it is something that we learn through experiences, generally those that have not been good. We do not become scared of the dark until some life event triggers an uncomfortable experience. Our brain then stores this experience and remembers it for the next time we are facing a similar situation.
Failure is also a huge part of fear. We have all failed. I certainly have – many times. I used to take these failures and try my hardest not to put myself into situations that could possibly cause me to fail once again. I would steer clear of situations out of fear of failing. It was a simple concept and I lived by it. However, there was a turning point in my life where I took fear by the horns, respected it and began to use it to my advantage. It was the hardest time in my life. I can honestly say that it was the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me.
These life changing events occurred when I was 28 years old. To make a very long story short, my wife of two years left me. It was a complete and total shock. I had never felt so much fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of the stigma of being divorced. And ultimately, the feeling of failure.
This fear haunted me for months. I was alone. Nothing anyone could say to me could erase this fear. I struggled like I had never struggled before. I lost weight, did not sleep and stopped training. Before she left I was training for my first Ironman. When she left I stopped training completely. I mourned day in and day out. How was I to move on?
Two days before the Ironman that I had signed up for was to start, I woke up in the morning and decided I was not going to live like this anymore. I decided that I was going to do this Ironman. I had not trained in over three months. Not once. But I packed my gear and drove north to Napa Valley to the Vineman Ironman Triathlon. I was alone, no family or support. It was just me, my swimsuit, my bike and my running shoes.
I could go on and on about the race day as it is a great story in itself, but I will shorten it. Standing on the beach getting ready for my wave I began to cry. I began to question myself. What was I doing? Fear riddled my body. I was not physically or mentally ready for this undertaking, but there was no turning back. I did not want to fail. I feared this the most as I entered the water.
The gun went off and there I was, in a place that I would have feared even if I was prepared. The swim hurt not just a little, but more than anything I had experienced in a swim before. I exited the water close to the front of my wave, but had paid a huge price. (what price?)
The 112 mile bike ride was incredible. Not because I was going fast but because life began to become clear. Mile after painful mile the fear of failing became motivation to finish. I asked myself “How am I able to do this?” I was not in that great of shape before I stopped training and I was definitely not in great shape now. I finished the bike with my head held high. Close to the back of the pack, I did not care. I was living again. No one knew that I was doing this. It was just me but that was how it was supposed to be. Fighting through demons and changing my life one mile at a time.
Well – that did not last long. To this day I have never been a good runner. I have done many ultra runs throughout the years, but they certainly weren’t fast. I could run long but never very fast. I have run back-to-back days of 40 miles each day. I have run 78 miles after 336 miles on the bike, but I would never call myself a runner.
Running out of the transition area, my body froze. My quads burned and my lower back seized up. I was now walking and fear once again came rushing to the front of my brain. For the next two plus hours I walked and jogged a little. I would jog until it hurt and then I would cry and walk some more.
The run course was two loops of 13.1 miles. At mile 11, I was done. I convinced myself that it was not to be. I was going to call it a day after the first loop. Slowly walking to the turnaround, I approached a race official and with my head hanging I told her that I was done. This sweet volunteer put her hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye and asked “Are you sure?” I nodded and unpinned my race number. I handed it to her and began walking back to where my bike was. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. My fear became a reality. I had failed. I was in shock.
For the next five minutes I tried to make sense of it all. As I began to again walk toward the transition to get my bike, I heard a roar behind me. The first female was completing her race. I turned to see the woman in all her glory raise her hands and cross the finish line.
At that moment I knew I was not done. As quick as I could waddle I headed towards the lady that took my race number. Without a word she handed me back my number. We said nothing as I turned to head back out on the course. The look she gave me said a thousand words.
Still feeling low, I pushed forward. After about ten minutes I began to jog. Well – I will call it a jog. To be honest the reality was I was shuffling my feet a bit faster than if I was walking. But to me, at that moment it felt like I was running a seven minute mile. I would shuffle for a few minutes and then walk for a few minutes.
With five miles to go I began to cry again. Not because of the fear of failure but because I knew I could do this. I knew my life had changed. The next five miles took me close to an hour and fifteen minutes. As I approached the finish with my shoulders back and my head held higher than ever, I crossed the finish line like thousands before me – with my hands in the air.
The lady that I had turned in my race number to more than three hours ago was there to greet me when I crossed the finish line. She approached me, looked me straight in the the eye and said only one thing to me…….”You are an Ironman”
There was no one there to hug. No one to celebrate with and that is exactly how it was supposed to be. I faced my fears of so many things that day. For 13 hours and 4 minutes I experienced so many things in my head. The celebration was a party of one. I sat on a curb, alone and exhausted but more alive than ever. That day I became an Ironman, but in reality it was so much more. I knew that I was going to be ok.
I learned that I can face my fears. I learned that fear, when harnessed, can lead to amazing things.
My life has never been the same. Today I have completed fifteen Ironman’s, two Ultraman World Championships, a Triple Ironman, more than ten, 10+ mile marathon swims, and most recently, 25 hour and 31 hour adventure swims (both wetsuit assisted). Each one of these adventures have started with a fear, and with each one I have grown mentally, physically and spiritually.
Today I create adventures that at the beginning are incredibly fearful to me. I thrive on this. If they do not have that element I can’t get excited about it. I have learned that those things that seem so unattainable become the launching pad for the next goal once they have been completed.
I truly believe that we all can do things that seem unattainable. They do not have to be 30 hour swims or triple Ironman’s, but I believe that all of us have within us the ability to do amazing things. It is all about taking that first step. I have heard many times “there is no way I could do that.” The truth is if I can do the things I do, you too can accomplish the things that you think are out of reach. You just have to BELIEVE. It is about trying. Nothing more. As scary as things may seem and as impossible as they appear, you will find that your fear can and will lead you to great things. With all that being said, it is also about being smart. Facing fear head on must be done smartly. Sometimes the ultimate result is not the planned one. The finish line is not always the line on the road or the beach on the other side. Pushing yourself is part of the journey, but the journey is much more than a destination. You have succeeded simply by trying.
I choose to use fear as my motivator. Go out and do something great. Face your fears and your life will change forever.
I am honored to be part of a new book called THE FEAR PROJECT written by Jaimal Yogis. Jaimal is the author of the best selling book THE SALT WATER BUDDHA. His new book coming out in January is truly a remarkable look at fear in our lives. He examines fear from many different angles. You can pre-order it today.
Ultimate peace can result from the ultimate fear..
Love an hugs to all – Jamie Patrick – Adventure Swimmer
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“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
